Regrets, I've made a few, but then again, too few to mention.

Ok, so I said when I started this blog that I’d try and keep it light hearted. I have. Until now. You’ll have to excuse me though because I need help.

Everyone said that uni would be a massive change and that it will be the best thing you will ever do. The 3 years you will remember forever and look back on with fond memories. And I can honestly say that I will. Over the past months, I know there have been times that have been shit, and when I’ve been through them I’ve made no secret of how shit I thought they have been. But looking back, I only ever remember the good points. Fresher’s, Holly ball, going home for Christmas and plenty of others. All of them were amazing. But over the past few weeks, it’s been hard.

I have only really just realised that it’s only hard because everything that I’ve learnt throughout my life so far has never been doubted as much as now and I don’t know what to think anymore.

Do you stay true to what you think because that is what you believe in? It has gotten you this far and it is only recently that you have been unhappy.

Or do you change it because you are unhappy and you shouldn’t be? People are telling you what is right and wrong and even though you may not fully agree with it, you can see the point they are trying to make.

For example, you wanted to buy a burger so you bought it. But then someone told you they wasn’t happy you bought the burger and you was in the wrong. You think to yourself, well I wanted the burger so that is why I had it. You don’t want to live your life for someone else. But you have just upset someone. What do you do? Do you stick with your gut and think well at least you done what you wanted, or next time you don’t get the burger because you unintentionally upset someone?

And then, as you have been pondering through the past 8 months relatively happy, confirming to yourself that the decisions you have made in the past were the right ones you realise that they weren’t, or maybe things could have been dealt with better, what do you do?

You have a necklace. And you’ve had it for years, and you know that the necklace isn’t in fashion anymore. And you know in your head that you don’t want to wear it, but your heart tells you there is history there and without wearing that necklace, you wouldn’t have noticed how the fashion has changed. So you have learnt from wearing the necklace. But you don’t see how continuing wearing that necklace in the future, when you have already realised it’s not fashionable, is going to teach you anymore lessons. So accidentally you break the necklace but you aren’t too bothered. And then a little later, you get a diamond ring. And it’s all nice and sparkly for a bit but under the surface, no matter how much you tell everyone you prefer the diamond ring, you still miss the necklace and want it back. What do you do?

The necklace is gone and it will never be the same again, but do you try your best to mend the necklace, even if you can’t wear it, just so that you can look back to when you did wear it and think of the positives it brought you. You don’t necessarily want to wear it but you want to be happy thinking about it. Is it possible to do that?

Then, when you speak your mind, is it always completely 100% necessary to say exactly what you think there and then? Because, let’s be honest, everyone thinks bad things. But if saying those bad things is going to lead to a disagreement that you see as unnecessary, surely it would be better to just say nothing, it will fade, you won’t think about it again and no harm is done. Or should you be completely honest and face the consequences because people have told you they want you to be honest, even when you know the consequences could be drastic and completely change the dynamic?

I have only realised about 40 mins before writing this that I threw away something I now deeply regret. But it’s too late to change it. And I’ve gone a long arse way of saying it but I am sorry about what has happened.

I am a firm believer in not having regrets. However, I did have one. Now I have two. But if those regrets allow me to remember things and learn from my mistakes, then I can be content with having them in my life.